Navigating loss through the holidays

A time as exciting as the holiday season growing nearer every year (it seems), and yet there is a certain melancholy in the air because we will be celebrating with one less member in the family this time.”

These words were shared by a dear family friend who had recently lost his spouse of more than 50 years. What do you say to someone who loses a spouse, a child, a friend, a family member, just before
the holidays? How can we find consolation as many still grieve a recent loss and find participating in
the merriment of the holidays challenging? For answers we can first look to our faith.

When I lost both my parents within three short years of each other, I could barely keep a smile on my face, especially when Christmas was drawing near. My beloved Tony and I would make plans every year to travel to their home which was a six-hour drive away from ours. This annual tradition of time with their grandparents was something our young children always relished.

When my father died, my mother was in greater need for the family to be near and celebrate this time, reminiscing and cherishing the precious memories (while creating/living out new memories). Fast forward two years from my father’s death, and my mother dies. Our trips to see them became erased from
our yearly plans, and the children struggled for a bit to accept this loss and find new ways to honor their memory.

During those times, our children would ask questions such as: “Will we ever get to see abu and abuelito again?” “Will they still be near at each celebration when we go to midnight Mass to welcome baby Jesus?” “Can we talk to them?” These questions and childlike concern presented an opportune time to explain the precious gift of the Mass — when we are all united — as one Church (militant, suffering, triumphant). To reinforce this idea we made a practice of keeping photos of saints as children on our family picture board. This way the children were able to make a real connection with the saints as real people like themselves who chose a path of holiness.

As the children recognized the real connection, they would be able to experience with their grandparents every time we attended Mass; they (and we as adults) could continue to celebrate in a spirit of thanksgiving and hope. I invite you to continue (or begin) a tradition to celebrate the legacy of loved ones in your family. Perhaps like us, you decide to specifically remember them at Mass or you may include a new family holiday tradition done in their memory. In this way, as new family members are added (by birth, marriage, adoption, etc.) and as some members are called home to their eternal reward, the growing and formation in the faith will never cease, and we will all truly experience the glory of being one family, the Body of Christ.